The Wandering Sheep

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I haven’t posted anything for 4 years.

My last entry was the January 2015 post, welcoming the New Year in, which is hilarious since my new post should have been published in the first month of the New Year of 2018, but I have had some delay.

A lot has happened, during those 4 years.

I want to say that I matured and did a bit of soul-searching and found myself, and that the Heavens opened and rained down its blessing… but that would be a lie and I try my best not to lie to others like I lie to myself.

During those 4 years that I’ve been off-the-grid, I really have been just going with the flow, apathetic to it all.

There were times, when I wondered if my emotions were my own. My mood would swing like a pendulum, and during some occasions it felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, disconnected from it all, contemplating if this world is even real or if I’m plugged up into a game or maybe I’m a chess piece and someone is playing me, because if this was a game, I wouldn’t waste my time playing.

I wouldn’t be me.

I wouldn’t make the choices I made.

I wouldn’t be what I am.

I just wouldn’t.

Social media bores me. I don’t care for Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat. I won’t lie and tell you that I don’t care about Tumblr or Instagram. They are my guilty pleasures, keeping up with TV and music.

I finished university July 2015 and entered the world of adulthood and I hated every step of it.

That’s when I entered this new world of senseless tears and hopelessness.

My depression continued to grow and grow, like black veins gripping my heart and mind, filling every crevice it could find, pulling away at any self-confidence and self-love that I had built over my 23 years on this dirt, whilst poking at my eyes, making them constantly red.

Now I find myself, 3 months and 5 days into my 27th, trying to jump start that excitement and optimistic outlook I had before I left university.

I wish I could say that my relationship with God had at least grown during that period, but it has instead been a rollercoaster ride, where it seems that I am continuously falling.

I have fought with God and got angry with Him.

But He has always been graceful and merciful to me. I have moaned and complained about my shortcomings, looking to Him to blame, rather than finding what I can fix and holding onto Him, to eventually lift me up.

I have always said that I cannot teach anyone how to be a Great Christian, but I can show you the definition of back-sliding and what it feels like to be a Lukewarm Christian or a Lethargic Christian, where it seems nothing can awaken the spiritual sleep you are in.

So, like the title says, I have been a wandering sheep who has been lost for a very long time, confused by the roads of life, which seemed to twist and turn.

I have been distrustful of the Shepherd, I have known to be the Truth and Light since age 10.

This is my attempt to wake up from my sleep, recognise the voice of my Shepherd, so I may find Him once more and to arise from this stumbling block, better than I felt in 2015.

Of course, I will cry, yell and get angry, but that is because God is the only one who I know I can show all, and He will take me as I am.

As I start this journey, I hope you will pray for me as I pray for you and let us begin this journey of Righteousness and Holiness!

Amen